Welcome To My Life

Welcome to my life.

This blog will give you more insight of my world. And I hope that it will not only help me on the journey to recovery, but it also helps you to gain some strength in life. It will be an open diary where I talk about things that have happened to me and everyone around me. And don’t be shy to drop me an email to share about your thoughts after each post.

Till then, see you on Sunday (:


Dear Sam

Dear Sam,

How are you lately? I wish I could ask you this face to face. But I know that this wouldn’t happen for now, at least for the next few months to come.

I miss you, my friend. I miss the time when we laughed at the silliest joke. I miss the time when I can care for you as your best friend and soulmate. I miss the time when we were just friends, when everything was just nice.

I wish I could tell you what I felt on the messages you sent to me on the 15th of December. I am going to tell you what happened to me on that day in this blog entry, and I hope you will get to read it one day. I am not doing this out of spite, I am doing this because I want to erase our misunderstandings, and this is the reason why we are in such awkward situation now.

15 December 2017. You sent a long, brutally honest message to me. I just woke up from my nap, and I was delighted and surprised to receive your text because we haven’t been talking for days. I read the message once, and it was at that very moment, the darkness won the battle that I have been fighting last year. I sat up from my bed, took a step to my study table, and took out my pen. I was writing my suicide note. I was saying goodbye to everyone.

I walked out of my room. I knew what I was going to do. I unlocked the front door, and my housemate asked me where am I going. “I just want to take a walk”, I said. When I know that this could be the last few minutes of my life, a part of me acted out of protection. That part of me texted my friends and bid farewell to them. Ironically, that message saved my life.

Every step I took, every touch I felt was so distinctive. I went up to the highest floor of the building, and it was under construction. “Could this be a sign that God wants me to continue living? Because it wasn’t under construction a few days ago”, I thought to myself. I walked down one floor, and there were some construction workers there. “I can’t do it in front of them. They will pull me back”, I whispered. Then, I went back to the 33rd floor, the same floor as my unit. I was standing at the deck, looking out from the fence that reaches my chest. I could feel my heartbeat. I could feel that my breathing is getting faster. I could even sense that my fight or flight mechanism is activated. “Take a deep breath, cross over the fence and close your eyes”, I told myself. Yet, I hesitated. I asked if it has to end this way. I wanted the pain to stop immediately. I wanted to end my life.

My phone was vibrating with incoming calls. It was my friends. They must be worried sick now. One missed call. Two missed calls. Three, four and five missed calls followed by countless of messages.

“Don’t do this. There must be another way out. There must be another solution”, I read the messages. 

I couldn’t bare letting them worried about me, so I picked up one of their phone calls. She sounded scared. She asked me where am I, what am I doing, what are those noises in the background. I did not answer her questions. I was ashamed of what I was intending to do. Tears were streaming down my face. And I asked her, “does it hurt to die?” I was 21, tired, bruised, and dying.

I got pulled back into the house shortly after by my sister and my housemate. My friend reached them in time and told them what I might be doing. I was saved, temporarily. I was safe, for a moment.

I barely eat and talk for weeks. My brain and my body were shut down. I was emotionally numb, again. I relapsed, again. I let my brain went through a traumatic event, again. It was during this time that people were acting out of protection, even when it was without my consent. They might have hurt you, in some way. They might have disturbed your life, one way or another. Please forgive them. They were protecting me in the best way they could. And if you were there, I believe you would have done the same too. “If depression is in a human form, I will kill it right away”, you said. 

Dear Sam, I am saying all these things not because I want you to feel sorry for what you have done. I do not want to hurt you. I only intend to tell my side of story in hope that you will tell me yours too.

You must be hurting too when you realised that I was distancing myself from you on social media. It must be hard for you to know that I don’t want to be friends with you on social media anymore. The truth is, when I saw that you are trying to rekindle your relationship with him, I broke down. It was too fast for me to accept the fact. It was too triggering for me to see that he is making you happy. I had to do what was right for my mental health. I had to be selfish and protect myself.

But I still want to be friends with you in real life. I know that we need to destroy whatever we had before and start from ground zero. I know that it will be extremely hard for us to be friends again. But when friendship is not reciprocated, I don’t know what should I do next. The word acquaintances do not exist under your name. But there is one thing I know for sure, I will never leave you. I will always be here looking out for you. Yes, I left on social media, but I am still here in real life. I am still here, waiting for you to be ready to be friends again.

Dear Sam, I am sorry for what I have done. I was focusing on myself and I forgot that you are hurting too. I am sorry, I truly am. And as far as I know, I still care for you as a friend. I miss our friendship. I miss those good old days when we were best friends. I miss you. And all of these are coming from me as a friend, nothing more than that.

If you have read this, please text me or call me. Let’s talk.

“Still a flicker of hope that you first gave to me, that I wanna keep, please don’t leave.”

Thank you. Goodbye.

Thank you, 2017. You have been a great teacher. You taught me how to love myself, and you taught me how to love someone else. You showed me that some people are meant to leave, and some will stay no matter what.

Love, is the summary of my 2017. They showed me love, in different circumstances. They showed me that I am worth it, even though I do not feel like it. They hugged me tight and let me feel their heartbeat, even though mine is not beating strong. On top of all these, they whispered into my ears and told me that they love me, and they are here to stay. They love me, even though I do not love myself enough.

“Things affect different people differently”, she says.

Yes, you are right. To me, different people can learn different lessons from the same event. We were there in each other’s life at the right timing, but we were living in our own world that had a different time zone. The castle that I am living in no longer has any room for you to stay as you do more harm than good to me. You are a good friend, a friend that will go the extra mile to be there for me. But because of you, I learn that you can be a good friend to me, but when love comes into play, it is a different story. No one except for him can prove me wrong or right in this because they have never been romantically in love with you. I love you, but I am in love with the memories of you, not the version of you who is standing in front of me. Thank you for giving me the first-hand experience of what it feels like to live in hell and heaven on the same day. Thank you for not cleaning up the mess, or else I wouldn’t have figured out my priority in my life. I forgive you for what you have done to me. I forgive you, for being who you are.

My mental health has a domino effect on the things and people around me. I see it now. I am now a wounded, dying animal that is lying on the floor, fighting for another breath, fighting to see another day. But it is also now that I see that I am not alone in this, I was never alone. They have been here all the time, waiting patiently for me to heal up my wounds and fighting alongside with me to defend against the darkness.

I am ready to move on and be more prepared for 2018. It is hard, and I am scared of what’s coming for me. 2017 has been an eventful year, and I can’t wait to show 2018 what I have learned. Even though I am limping into a new year with a body and a soul that is bleeding and full of scars, it is undeniable that I am moving on with gratitude. Thank you, for taking care of me when I couldn’t do that to myself, and this applies to you too, Nat. The love that all of you have for me is something that I did not see it coming. Thank you, from the depth of my heart.


People with superpowers are called superheroes. These people are privileged enough to be born with some out-of-the-world abilities, and this could be easily seen on Superman, Wonder Woman, Thor, Aquaman and etc. They have a choice to either use their powers to save the world or destroy the planet and claim dominance over the others. But there are those “superheroes” who are just human beings made of flesh. They are just like us, but with the heart and determination to make the world a better place. To me, they are the true definition of superheroes because they are not obliged to fight the villains and knowing that they might get nothing in return. These people, too, have a choice of becoming an ordinary human being or becoming that hero who will be fighting on the streets during an alien invasion.

Coming back to reality, we don’t see suited up superheroes on the street. But your version of a superhero could be the police officer who just saved your life or your mum who is the pillar of the family. These superheroes do not have superpowers too, but they have the heart to save someone, or to provide for someone, be it emotionally or physically. They often do not realize the positive impact that they have on someone because they might not be expecting a reward of their good deed. And unknowingly, you could be someone else’s hero as well, in the least expected way. The small little things you did for that person could mean a bowl of hot soup during winter. And the eternal gratitude that we have will be a reminder to us that the world is still a good place to live in.

It’s never too late to thank that person who showed you the light in the dark or offered you a hand when you are down. Tell him/her how much you appreciate the help, and trust me, it will make their day.

And my superhero is you. You are mighty, yet you have a heart of gold that nourishes my soul, and our soul with warmth.

Be Courageous 

It is hard to take courage. It requires a leap of faith, and it asks you to give up the routines you used to have. But it is only with courage that there will be a chance for a change. A change for a better future, or maybe a change for a better self.

Courage, comes with slight anger. It is not the anger to start a fight, but it is the fire to make a difference. Sometimes, you need to stop weighing the pros and cons, stop rationalising the options, stop listing out the possibilities and just take a step forward and move on. You need to take a deep breath, pick up your sword and shield to fight for yourself. Because at the end of the day, this is your life, and you are the only one who will feel the pain, the sorrow, and the joy. You are the only one who will live your days, and you are the master of your life.

Take courage, they say. But no one can tell you how.
Be yourself, they say. But they still give you the judgmental look.
Let it go and move on, they say. But they don’t know how precious she is to you.

Time will prove it all. And I can’t wait to see what does the future hold for us. But as for now, I am pulling myself together for us to be courageous.

The Ultimate Manual

Imagine life has its own manual. A manual that guides you through heartbreak, loss of a loved one and rock bottoms. It shows you the exact steps you need to follow in case of emergency, and if you followed it right, you will experience little to no negative feelings and thoughts. Interesting, isn’t it? But even the most detailed manual in the world might miss out certain aspects that only us human can create. Perhaps this is why life has its own version for everyone.

I believe my manual is a blank one, and I know you feel the same too. It is as if there is no one absolute answer to a problem, and every step we take will lead us to a completely different situation. And if we really want to find an answer, there is only one i.e. follow your heart’s desire. At the end of the day, our heart is the one that keeps us breathing; it is also the one that allows us to feel pain, sorrow, joy, sadness and etc.

How nice it would be if there is an ultimate manual to guide us on how to deal with the love for someone who already has a partner, or how to deal with disappointment, guilt, and self-blame. Will it give everyone a peaceful and smooth sailing life then? I doubt it.


Till Then…

I guess some of you have noticed that I am oddly quiet and lifeless lately. And most people who noticed it might have already asked me am I okay. You want to know what happened to me, aren’t you? Trust me. I have been asking myself this question for about a month already. I refuse to believe that that night activated my defence mechanism, but apparently, that is the truth. I have no idea how to shut it down, and now things are going downhill.

If you are expecting me to tell you what went wrong that night, you will not find an answer here. This is a personal issue, but if you really want to know, you can text me and I might consider telling you. But bear in mind that so far no one knows the truth, so do you really want to be the first?

I know that when I started this blog I was getting way better from that horrendous situation I was in. I started taking medication and going to counseling at the same time, and it was effective for my condition. I thought that I am recovering, and I will be me again. But things get stagnated afterward. There is still a gap to fully recover from this and I can’t seem to move forward anymore. So there is only one way out here, that is for me to go back to those dark days and try to move forward again. My mood swing is so severe that I can be joyful today, but tomorrow I just want to sit at the corner by myself. It affects my appetite and sleep too, just like those days. And in case you haven’t figured out what I was saying, I am relapsing, slowly but surely. I can feel it because I am already there.

Sadly, I am hereby announcing that I will stop updating my blog until I get any better. I am sorry for the disappointment. I am frustrated and angry at myself too. I was desperately trying out solutions to improve my mental state, but it backfired. For now, I am allowing myself for some time off and I hope that you will give me the same too. Thank you for all your support thus far and I hope I will be back soon. Till then, take care of yourself, everyone.

P/S: I am still able to function socially. So don’t worry about my study and work, I know my priorities.

The Happiness of Pursuit

Have you ever asked yourself this question, “what is happiness?” Or a simpler one, “what makes you happy?” These are seemingly easy to answer, but how many of us know what it takes to put a smile on our face.

Happiness is not a destination. It is not something that we get at the end of the road. It is not as concrete as success, and it is not as abstract as love. It is something that is defined by ourselves. A candy or a toy is all it takes to make a child happy. It is that simplicity of life that makes them care less about the world. But along the way of growing up, our happiness are brought about by the number of assets we own. It’s pathetic, isn’t it? Let’s put it this way, maybe a perfect grade, a luxurious car, or a high paying job can make you happy. But the real question is, what puts a smile on our face before we go to sleep? A happy marriage? Our job? Or a starry night in the middle of nowhere?

It is not the pursuit of happiness, but rather the happiness of pursuit.

Happiness is a lesson that we learned during the journey. It is a choice that is being offered to everyone. If you take it, there is no guarantee that happiness will come easily. But if you leave it, you risk yourself of falling into an emotionally numb state. Take the offer, I would say. Even though there will be times that you don’t remember the bright, shiny days, but you need to remember that dark times don’t last. They are here merely to challenge your level of determination and make you weak. No one says that this road is easy, but with the right people, you will make it until the end.

“What makes you happy?”

If you are yet to have an answer, you are not alone. Maybe one day, genuine happiness will strike your heart like a lightning. And hopefully, you will tell the others that happiness is more valuable than money, fame and success. Because you know that there is no path to happiness, and happiness is the path.

First Baby Step 

Most babies take around 9 to 12 months to make their very first step, and they excel it around 14 months old. Coincidently, it has been 9 months since my relapse, and now I’m ready to make the first baby step.

I’m ready to walk on my own, without the help from other people. I insist on doing it this way because I understand that people get tired along the way as they’re not the one going through the journey. And at times, I still feel that I am bringing the thunderous clouds to them. It’s not a win-win situation and there are too much emotions and burden involved. This is absolutely fine for me, and I’ve already stepped one foot forward.

“No man’s an island”, they say. I know. But the island has the company of the sky, the stars, the ocean and the animals. It is not alone; it is back to the arms of Mother Nature. I love the ocean. It takes away my depression and locks it deep in the treasure box under the sea. Whenever I am back to the ocean, I feel that this is who I used to be, but I am much stronger and determined now. That is when I know that I am ready to do this alone for it is my life, and I should have maximum control in it.

After going through almost 5 months of counseling, I made the decision to terminate it. This is mostly because I was feeling better, and it gave me a clearer view of my condition. Fret not, I am still continuing my medication to stabilize my mood and control my symptoms. It helps to a certain extent, but there are times that I felt even worse and all those nasty feelings were back.

If you are here to hear me announce a good news, I might disappoint you. It is not a bad news either, but it depends on your interpretation of this post. I was a wounded animal who has just escaped from the hunter. Yes, I survived the journey, but I was lost and I couldn’t figure out what’s next for me. I was blaming myself for my predicament as it could be “avoided”. But now, the wounds are healing, and I am able to stand up and limp back home. Please forgive me as I want to do this all by myself. Do let me fall and hurt myself because this is how I will learn to grow, as this is also how a baby learns to walk. It will take a while before I can start running again, but I hope that you will be at the finishing line cheering for me.

If you are still waiting for a good news, here’s one thing I know for sure. I have become friends with the darkness within me. We respect each other’s existence, and we agree that I will be in command for most of the times. To me, it is one of the things that I have been looking forward to even though it wasn’t the same from my expectations. He’s now a friend of mine, not a foe, and I am perfectly fine with that. We compromise with each other, and one of the deals we have is to let me break down at most once a week. We know that tears are words the heart can’t say, and not all the time I have the courage to make the call to tell the person on the other end about the problem. So this is by far the solution that works.

I might not be posting about my mental health condition as often anymore. But I will keep updating the blog on every Sunday on my summarized thoughts for the week. If you have questions about my mental health, do feel free to drop me an email, anonymously, if you wish.



The Girl Who Wanted To Be Normal (Part 3)

Believe it or not, everyone has their guardian angel. As for me, I am very lucky and blessed to have more than one guardian angel. And here it lies the fifth chapter of the book – Take Me Home.

What is “home”? A place where you live? A place where your loved ones are? Or maybe a place that you can be your true self? Honestly, I have no answer to that. I guess home is where you feel safe and comfortable. Home, is usually taken granted of. We thought it is something that we are born with, but this is not the case for all of us. Well, at least not for me.

When I relapsed this year, there are people and friends who helped and showered me with unconditional love. I did not feel it at first. My mental state of mind was the windshield that was protecting me at any cost for I was too vulnerable to stand up for myself. But they kept trying until I have the strength to fight for myself. I know that I have said this for many times, but I just want to say it again, thank you for your love. You know who you are, and most of you are reading this except for one person. She doesn’t take credit for the things that she has done, but if she is listening, I want you to know that you are my guardian angel that has always been here even when the others have left. You have been here with me since my very first relapse. Thank you for all the things that you have done, I couldn’t have made it this far without you.

The very last chapter of the book will be the most sentimental of them all; the title reads To Siew Siew. There will be letters dedicating to myself from when I was a kid until now. It will be an intimate chapter where I explore the things that I want to say to my past, present and future selves. In fact, I have been writing letters to myself over the last three years. If you have done the same thing before, you will know that it is actually very difficult to be honest with yourself. But hey, this is how I grow and learn, and I will keep doing it because I know what’s best for me.

[The End]

(P/S: Stay tuned for my next post for the announcement I mentioned in this first post of this series.)

The Girl Who Wanted To Be Normal (Part 2)

I seldom talk about this part to people. This is mostly because I don’t want them to judge me and I don’t want to know how do they think about me. People can be very judgemental at times, especially when it comes to negative life events. But you know what? This is my life, not yours, and you have no say in it.

If you have read my previous blog posts, you might have known what I have been going through, and in this chapter of the book entitled Dark Tunnel, it is where I will explicitly talk about the feelings, thoughts, experiences that I felt when I relapsed this year. It was the worst relapse so far, and I thought that I have no chance in getting better. The tunnel was pitch black, lonely, and full of demons. Some of them wanted me to stay there forever, some of them wanted me dead, some of them wanted to show me how worthless I am. It was petrifying and full of despair.

Sleep was my only escape from reality. I skipped classes to avoid letting my friends know that I was not okay. I kept quiet most of the time because I was afraid that I might burst into tears with no reason. I put on a mask when I went to work and cried all the way home for letting myself suffer in such a way. This went on for months and months. I was desperate to get better, but nothing works. Until one day, I was shown another path; one that is tough to walk, but possible for me to crawl through it.

Road To Recovery is a chapter that will be on how I gradually recover from depression and try to lock it away from me. This road is not an easy path. Even though I am recovering, I am still bleeding and hurting. They told me that it is normal to feel down when I am recovering. But little did they know all these are too overwhelming for me. It is as if time stops, and it wants me to feel this way until I pass out or my heart stops. I cried so hard that I couldn’t breathe. My body was shivering in fear and shame that I just want to curl up in my bed and pretend that someone is hugging me. I forced myself to catch those negative thoughts and justify why it is negative. And until today, this vicious cycle still repeats itself. All of these are part of the process of recovering. And no one else can help me if I don’t help myself.

After all that I have gone through so far, I am redefining the meaning of life and the purpose of it. I am doing my best to treat myself better even though it might offend people. I have a ranking board in my mind, and I myself am surely the last one in there. I still have so much more to learn in this world, and my story is yet to end this way.

[To Be Continued]